13 Jun 2019

   Is marriage losing its value and purpose in Botswana? 

One would be forgiven for thinking so, given that for the past 10 years or so, the country has been experiencing a high divorce rate. 

The divorce statistics paint a gloomy picture of marriage in the country.

In 2016, the country recorded its highest number of divorces at 1 301, surpassing a previous record of 971 registered in 2012. 

The country’s past and present leaders have all come out to call for an introspection of what could have gone wrong and to come up interventions to revive this sacred institution, before it becomes obsolete. 

Just to put it into perspective,  (2016) alone, 1 435 cases, including those carried forward from 2015 were completed, signaling a high divorce rate in the history of this country. So what are we to do? 

Local author, life coach and motivational speaker, Ms Ashley Thaba and her husband Mr Percy Thaba are some of those working tirelessly to restore the dignity of marriage by availing themselves, sharing their life experiences and engaging in meaningful conversations to get the ball rolling. 

Recently, the Thaba family hosted a marriage seminar aimed at unpacking the institution of marriage. What stood out most during the event were the questions asked by single people, who still hold marriage in high regard and want to understand how best to get involved in this sacred union. 

One of the most prevalent questions was what are some of the warning signs they should look for  when choosing a spouse. 

Ms Thaba indicated that such signs include cheating, abusive behaviour, substance abuse, irresponsibility with finances, laziness, unwillingness to talk and different religious beliefs. 

Explaining some of them further, she said it was highly  likely that a person who cheats while dating, will continue to cheat once married.  

“It is also very important to know how and when you found out. Did he tell you because he wants to do better or you did not give him a choice so he confessed? These are very important and the person also has to be willing to seek God, to change without you changing them etc.,” she said, adding that pre-marital counselling should be a must do. 

Ms Thaba further said a person who is verbally or physically abusive before marriage will most likely get worse in marriage, making it a miserable relationship, into which you have now bound yourself to for life. 

“As for substance abuse, this can make a person unreliable, irresponsible, and can use up the hard earned money of the family as well as bring physical harm to the one on drugs. Think twice about linking yourself with a person with a substance abuse problem in marriage. It will bring unnecessary trouble into your marriage,” she said. 

She said financial differences are the number one reason for divorce and if you are considering marriage, make sure you can trust the other person with their spending habits because they will have access to their spouse’s income and take care of your future family, hence it would be a huge risk to have someone who does not know and understand the value of money. 

Ms Thaba said a person’s religious beliefs are a pinnacle to having a successful marriage. 

“What a person believes about God shapes a lot of who they are as a person. When two people try and join but have different opinions on such a core character building quality, it causes a lot of conflict,” she said. 

She said questions such as where do they go to church, what will they teach the children, how they will give their money and where they will spend their time are influenced by core beliefs. 

“You also need a partner that is willing to talk. Marriage is not a walk in the park and it will only be good if there is communication where issues can be resolved. Not everyone has good communication skills but if you are going to get married, you need to be willing to work on those so that there is reduced tension caused by unresolved issues,” said Ms Thaba. 

Most people at the event also wanted to know what age is appropriate for marriage and Ms Thaba indicated that there is no specific formula for when a person should get married, However,she said there are some qualities you should have before one gets married. 

Such qualities, she stated include the ability to support yourself. “A healthy marriage will be built on the two becoming one and separating from their parents. You two together need to be able to support yourselves before you marry. You do not have to be the richest people but you need to be able to provide for your basic needs together,” she said. 

She further said both need to  individually know what they stand for and where they are going. 

Ms Thaba said one mistake that people make is getting married before they have really matured as people and then they feel the other person is holding them back. 

“Figure out where you want to go and what you believe in and then find someone you can walk with who supports you in that life journey,” she continued. 

She said the people getting married should be in the same season of life. 

“We counsel a lot of couples and one thing we see as a cause of a lot of trouble is when two people are in two different seasons. You will find one really wants to pursue further studies, while the other is ready to settle down and have a family. You find one who wants to spend weekends at parties, while the other prefers church events. One prefers to live in the village while the other in town. It creates a lot of conflict and headaches, so choose a life partner to share life with,” she noted. 

Mr Percy Thaba addressed  questions regarding some men feeling threatened by the success of their women, leading to problems in the family. 

He said his wife is frequently sought after by the media and often invited to do public speaking around town. 

“The fact that she is highly recognised even on an international level does not make me feel inferior to her. She and I are not competing. We have the same goals and play for the same team,” he said. 

He noted that there are times when he gets to be her cheerleader and times when she gets to be his and their success is that they respect and want what is best for each other. 

Mr Thaba went on to say that it is okay if either one of the spouses makes more money than the other one, but the problem arises if one spouse makes more money and the other is not earning, being lazy and is perfectly happy with the other spouse slaving away, while they do not show any intention to change their current financial situation. 

“If the man isn't secure enough and he feels threatened, this will be an underlying problem which causes a lot of fights,” he continued. 

One other obstacles that seem to put people off marriage or signal the start of the end for peoples’ marriages is the issue of expensive bogadi and wedding. 

The Thaba family indicated that they believe that people should not spend money they do not have. 

Ms Thaba reiterated that financial issues are the number one cause of divorce worldwide, adding that starting off marriage in debt is a huge problem. 

She also advised that people should not give-in to family pressures as doing so would put one into a position where they start marriage on the wrong foot of debt and financial stress. 

She further said too much money and focus is spent on preparing for the wedding and not on marriage. 

“For example, we charge P250/hr for a pre-marital counseling session. It is shocking how people say that they cannot afford even one session to help them prepare for the rest of their life, but will somehow find thousands to spend on hair, dress, tent hire and food etc. all which will be gone in a day,” said Ms Thaba. 

During the interaction, it seemed also that people did not know what to look for in spouses and Ms Thaba noted that she and her husband separately made lists of what they were looking for in a life partner. 

She said that was not necessarily important, but it helped them have an idea of what type of life partner they both sought. 

“When you know what you want, it gives you a goal. And if you know what kind of person you want to attract, you also can strive to become the kind of person who would attract that type of person,” she said. 

Ms Thaba said in most instances, you will find a man saying he wants a godly, faithful, church going woman yet he is nothing like that. 

“Why would that godly girl want you? She is going to be looking for a godly, church going, faithful man, so become the kind of person you want to attract,” she stressed. 

It has been said that the good men in Botswana are few and far between, making it difficult to find a husband and Mr Thaba agreed that it is a genuine problem. 

“Our churches need to rise up and train young men to know how to treat ladies with respect and behave with integrity. We need to encourage older godly men to take younger men under their guidance, invite them into their married homes and show them what a healthy marriage relationship looks like, he concluded. ENDS