22 Nov 2022

When parents divorce or separate, it can be difficult for them to maintain a civil relationship for the sake of their children. 

However, healthy co-parenting, or shared parenting, provides children with a sense of stability, which is critical to their well-being.

Dr Oabona Nthebolang, Manager, Graduate Research & Innovation at Human Resource Development Council, gives insights on subject in his book: ‘Co-Parenting Simplified.’

Published in 2019 by Transilience Production House, ‘Co-Parenting Simplified’ is about a personal journey. 

It is a father’s voice on how to navigate complexities of co-parenting and gives tips on how to let go of limiting beliefs to help children cope with the separation and co-parent in a simple yet best interest of the child.

Around the year 2000, Dr Nthebolang says he met and fell in love with a young lady and they were blessed with a son. 

However, like any couple, they encountered issues, which eventually led to their separation, which came with its own conflict which infringed on the welfare of their son, as the two were now concerned with their egos more than the child’s welfare. 

“There was too much pride, selfishness and the conflict shifted to our son,” says Dr Nthebolang, adding that often parents do not realise the impact their conflict have on children.

He says the conflict did not only affect the child’s progress at school, but his behaviour and character. 

He says the guilt got to him when he realised he exposed his son to such behaviour, so he started engaging in conversations with colleagues and realised that many children were caught in parents’ conflicts and suffer the effects.

Dr Nthebolang says the conversations made him realise that he needed to change his behaviour and that only he can control his emotions and the other person’s when it came to his child’s welfare. 

“I had to change and learn how to let go of my limiting beliefs for my son’s welfare interests,” he reveals. 

He says the change in his behaviour started rubbing off on the mother and their relationship improved, leading to positivity in their son’s well-being.

In a quest to raise awareness on the issue of co-parenting and parents’ conflicts, Dr Nthebolang says he started penning his experiences around 2014, which he admits was not difficult as he was narrating his first hand experiences. 

“It is a personal journey and it was not much of a challenge besides the necessary requirements of publishing that come with writing a book,” he notes. He says to complement his writing, he did online research on the topic.

Targeted at separated and divorced parents and not limiting those still to become parents, ‘Co-Parenting Simplified’ gives parents insights on issues of blame game between parents, which affect children. 

It also teaches parents how to emotionally support children during separation and/or divorce, as well as basic things to do to create a conducive environment for the children during that time.

Married now, with children in matrimony, Dr Nthebolang says he is in a position to do better, especially in handling issues and conflicts regarding his relationship with his son’s mother. 

He says parents’ conflicts have engulfed communities and many children’s futures are destroyed as a result. 

“Mind-set change is all we need in order to correct this. As parents we need to make everything about children and put aside our issues, which led to our separation and/or divorce,” he advises.

Dr Nthebolang observes that today’s parenting is different from back in the day, where everyone was a parent to any child. 

He says the dynamics around raising children have changed such that modern parents find themselves failing. 

“Young modern parents are too protective of their children unnecessarily. 

They are never concerned about the kids’ behaviour, never make follow-ups with schools and they do not engage with the children,” he says, adding that they only notice when there is a problem with the child.

He says the old generation’s parenting was better as parents gave children responsibilities, which moulded them. 

He says back in the day, children were given chores in the household and/or lands and these gave them a purpose, and you would seldom find them engaging in social ills, which modern children find themselves in.

In his mission to assist parents with co-parenting, Dr Nthebolang is now offering services on co-parenting development plans with family courts. 

He also provides one-on-one coaching or counselling to separated parents on co-parenting, at a minimal fee, while seminars at schools, churches and community are currently free. Ends